I’m giving up on everything because you messed me up. Don’t know how much you screwed it up. You never listen, thats just too bad.
wrote out a massive tumblr pouring my heart out.
And no. It didn’t make me feel slightly better.
So I fucking deleted it.
But instead of ranting about all the people that don’t give a shit…
Thankyou to those that do.
They are the ones that diserve you’re attention.
The people who make the effort, take the time to be there.
Without you having to ask them.
I am sure people will read this and wonder if they fit in this category.
But really, most of you don’t.
I can count on one hand the amount of people that are.
So to the rest of you,
Next time you need me,
Don’t be surprised when I don’t give a fuck.
I used to laugh it off, I used to look the other way.
I used to save them troubles for another day.
I kept my fingers crossed, I used to never take the blame.
I’d pull a sunshine story in the pouring rain.
The more I had to change I just stayed the same.
You don’t know what you’ve got until you’re missing it alot.
I had to go throw it away. I was wrong from the start.
From the bottom of my heart, I apologise.
What I did to you was hurtful.
What I’m going through is hurtful.
I used to bide my time, I used to beat around the bush.
I’d rather give my ego another push.
I used to be a fool, it was a foolish game I played.
And it’s a fools fate counting mistakes I’ve made.
It is normal to pine for someone you love.
Don’t close your eyes just yet.
I don’t want to forget them. Or this time to end.
It feels like you’ve been by my side for five minutes, but five hours have gone.
Lift your arm up so I can hide my face in your neck,
And carry on hearing about you, your life, us, anything.
Just don’t use my shoulder to cough on again please?
You’ve found the time to be with me and I found a way to let you.
I take the lead like I always do,
Because it’s pretty clear, I’m pretty sure,
You want me with you.
You’ve forgot about your girlfriend,
Girlfriend? She won’t have a clue.
I need a drink, a good time, a good night.
Do you really think i’ll get that from you?
Don’t fool yourself, your lines aren’t working.
Look around, join the queue.
Buying me a drink isn’t going to help.
“You have nice eyes”, Yeah, you too.
Her clammy hands and cautious laugh are giving her away,
If only she could answer you, only could speak aloud.
Its pretty clear she would tell you not to stay.
This is what you would know. Get out of this place.
Her eyes aren’t cold, but they are staring at you.
All you can think is, what does she have to be nervous about?
Certainly not her beauty, certainly not, certainly not.
Can you not see all of the beautiful things that surround you?
I wish that I could show you how lucky you are.
I wish that when I looked at you, you understood how the world loves your imperfections.
How I love your bright red hair, and your striking eyes.
That look straight into my heart and understand.
Without me saying a word.
When those eyes cry, it is wasting your beautiful smile.
It has forgotten the laugh that feels so genuine, I trust it.
The hands that have wrote me so many letters.
I keep them all safe, they remind me of beautiful people like you.
The lengths they will go to, to reach a friend in need.
Or in need of pancake mix.
It is easy to love those things about you, and your perfect nails.
But I wish I could show you what a deep person you are to me.
Or how much that I truly feel loyal to you now more than ever.
The strength you save for when it is especially needed
It blows me out of the water,
I want to stand next to you.
Do you appreciate what kind of person it takes to laugh while they are broken?
Just to not let the tears completely win.
Do you notice a truly honest person?
You have lovely coloured skin.
That tears have fell on, more times than it should be able to stand.
But still it glows on, as strong as your mind.. and your heart.
When it has gone, it is cold, and confusing.
But I don’t run away, because you truly are my friend.
How can people be scared of something as beautiful as you?
How can you be scared of something as beautiful as people?
If only everything could be solved with,
Chocolate cake, Wine and a tearful movie.
If only I could show you how much you are worth,
I fight my emotions to protect you, do you know that?
Do you know that you are loved?
I love ice cold coffee,
Wearing high heels,
Being in your company,
The mattress topper my mum got me,
Wearing my purple spectacles around the flat to remind the girls I am ridiculously nerdy,
Being in my pants infront of the girls to remind them I am ridiculously sexy,
Hot showers at 4am,
But you already know that.
What I truly love is looking into your eyes, and feeling safe.
The feeling of realisation.
You don’t want to hurt me, control me, or manipulate me.
You leave me free to make my own choices.
Because YOU know in your heart.
You want to feel something true.
I love you because of who you are.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Molly, Claire, Anna, Bev and…
Lots of love,
And all that counts is here and now.
My universe will never be the same.
I’m glad you came.
You cast a spell on me, spell on me.
You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me.
And I decided you look well on me, well on me.
So lets go somewhere no-one else can see, you and me.
Lets turn the lights out now.
Now, I’ll take you by the hand.
Hand you another drink.
Drink it if you can.
Can you spend a little time?
Time is slipping away.
Away from us so stay.
Stay with me I can make..
Make you glad you came.
I would love to hear a softer version of this song, I love the lyrics.
Funny how strong I can be when anything bad happens,
but I would rather feel nothing than miss the person I love?
I can spend my life pushing everyone away,
It is easier than how much my heart aches without you.
The only person who has ever treated me well,
everyone makes mistakes, that can’t be helped.
I would do anything for you, break down my walls.
You diserve better than someone so impatient,
someone who cant wait six weeks to see you.
I guess I am just not as strong as i thought I was.
Every day that I wake up without you,
Is a morning wasted in my eyes.
I can’t believe I have done this, not only to you,
But to myself.
If we are going to start today off at its official time, this is how my day went…
Lights flashing, people blurring and laughing. Laughing hard, from the bottom of my stomach. I was so happy to do something I took advantage of in termtime - clubbing with my best friends. Two of them came back on Monday and that night Anna, Chris and I went out. So at 12.01am I was jumping up and down with a massive grin on my face, slightly intoxicated and feeling so lucky to be in such good company. I can’t think of a better way to start the day…
As I was in such high spirits, when the music stopped and the room was engulfed with bright white light, I denied that the night was over, and when asked if I wanted to go to an after party.. I insisted on it! After a twenty minute walk (In an indistinguishable Irish accent: “Its only round the corner I tell ya”) we arrived at a quirky semi-detached house, currently being rented by four Irish lads, and one lad (“The lad is practically Irish, his mam has irish blood”) who was not…
The dining room was full of an interesting mix of people, lesbians, a qualified ballet teacher, co workers, guys they play football with, IRISH PEOPLE, oh and us students.. the atmosphere was lighthearted and jokey- everyone was getting on fine until suddenly a fight broke out of nowhere, glass was smashed, there was a lot of shouting! And Anna, Chris and I found ourselves walking home feeling rather surreal in the morning light, still intoxicated, merry and slightly amused - taking the piss out of the people we had just met.
Mmm bed.. SHIT it’s 2pm and I have my poledancing lesson at 4pm! … And I am still drunk. Toast toast toast, shortbread shortbread, ahhhh cuppa tea. Time for a sunbed? Why not. So, I’m waiting for the beauty place to reopen (as the sign says ‘back in ten’) across the street in a cafe as the man so kindly said that I could.. and he offers me a smoothie, which I pick up and am about to take a sip when one of the waitresses said she had made it for herself, but oh well, she guesses I could have it! Bit awkward. I wish now that I had gone fuck it, and drank it. However, I didn’t want to ruin her life so I kindly refused the smoothie and made an excuse for myself, leaving to go get that sunbed I had been waiting for!
I arrive at poledancing, feeling a bit whoozy from the boozy, and hot from the.. sunbed. And its all going really well! I do love poledancing and I am asking the woman about her job.. as she does this for a living, (Not just teaching people how to poledance for fun.. but she does it for pay, and lapdancing too) which I find very interesting. She’s being very encouraging and saying how well I am doing, picking up quite difficult moves (What can I say, some people are born to find an antidote to cancer, and I was born to poledance - for fun of course, not pay) and she pops in some quite awkward comments, about: how “some moves you can only do in a thong so your bum crack grips the pole - that why we clean it”.
Shortly followed by a job proposal.. to get my vagina out to dirty old married man, and first year virgins who couldn’t touch a fanny even if they could access rohypnol. I don’t know about you guys but I don’t particularly want my bum crack stuck to a metal pole thats been cleaned with nail varnish remover either, but what can i say.. the vagina thing is a slightly bigger deal.
Regardless of this, I still considered it. I know I know. Dirty bitch. It’s not like that, I just thought how much money I could make, how much I could relieve myself financially and how EASY it would be to do it. This was the second bundle of thoughts after hearing I should consider working there. I soon entered phase three when my boyfriend voiced his opinion… and I quote… “Brilliant, so men can pay to see my girlfriends vagina. Somehow I don’t think I will be waking up in the morning and going ‘cool’”. This made me laugh, but also brought about the realisation of what the job actually consists of and how degrading it is. I could never do that. It just isn’t who I am.
I have complete respect for the women who make a living from stripping. It is degrading, not only from your own opinions but from others. People look at you differently without thinking you are a person. The women I have met have children, or are desperate for the money. However, I won’t be joining their ranks any time soon.
The day was finished wonderfully with a trip to the cinema to watch Harry Potter with a friend I feel so lucky to be able to see right now.. Anna. I sobbed awkwardly through the entire thing, my face and neck soaked with tears.. my chin and breasts covered in triple chocolate muffin goo! I am.. what the define as a SEXY BEAST.
When I arrived back at my University Accomodation, I automatically turned on my Macbook Pro (ehhemm.. had to slip that in..), I didn’t expect anyone to be online so late but was pleasantly suprised to find both Claire and PJ online. PJ offered me a place blogging on his online newspaper as a style reporter. At the time I was very excited, but after trying to blog about fashion in a sarcastic tone, with him now offline and not able to direct me.. I soon realised.. I was shit at it. On the bright side, it was early in America, so I was able to have a nice long skype session with another of my best friends.. Claire. I did slightly ruin the tone of conversation when i burst into tears and exclaimed ” I KNOW YOU THINK I AM A MEAN PERSON”.. on looking at Claire’s shocked, freaked out expression. No.. No Claire does not think Lara mean. Lara good friend. Lara stupid. Cries loudly: “I’m sorry Claire I’m sorry! I was just worried”.
All I can say is.. today has been emotional!
I have decided to use my blog space as a journal of the daily kerfuffles i come across in my life.. a bit lighthearted and just generally how silly I am. I hope you all enjoyed my pilot.. As only friends are following me.. if you have finished reading this far I hope you will give me your opinion on what you think!! Thankyou for your time :)
waste way too much of their lives worrying, feeling sad and not moving on.